Dear Diary, Today I Killed Darth Maul
January 5, 2017
Today I did something I couldn’t fathom in a million years: I killed Darth Maul. One of the most regarded Sith in the Galaxy.
I’ve never had lightsaber training and I’ve never been one with the Force. Maul really didn’t do anything to piss me off except he just couldn’t stand anymore. He couldn’t hold his lightsaber in his hand, either. For some reason, his hand would just fall out!
I wasn’t sure if this Sith was just using some Jedi mind trick on me, as some may consider me a “weak minded fool,” but I know I’m not. I tried to believe it was just an illusion, but alas, it wasn’t. He just couldn’t stand well, his hand WOULD pop out, and he just wasn’t an effective Dark Lord of the Sith the way I needed him to be.
I did the only thing one could do at this point: kill him. What’s that? How did I do it? Well, I used wire cutters, a hammer, a lighter with some WD-40 (kids, don’t try that at home), and a little bit of Padawan Perseverance (that’s now trademarked, people).
In the end, I know Darth Maul is in a better place and his nasty soul will fly to the next Sith just awaiting to embrace his hate and into an action figure that can stand.
Until next time, diary.
PS. Here are some pictures to make you cry.
All kidding aside, I had to destroy my Darth Maul 1/6″ scale figure from Sideshow Collectibles. The thing couldn’t stand on its own accord, and his right wrist peg slot could not hold any of his hands in place. It was basically useless. Plus, I thought the figure was a bit cross-eyed, but whatever.
The reason I had to do this is after contacting Sideshow Collectible’s customer service (which has been amazing ANY time I’ve had to deal with them) two people informed me that they don’t pay to ship figures back – I had to destroy it and send them pictures. At first I thought someone was playing a trick on me in an email. I pictured that person quitting Sideshow and walking out of the office laughing so bad they were almost in tears as I would destroy the damn thing, email the company back and say, “here are your pictures,” and not get a replacement because they couldn’t believe I destroyed a $240 US figure. Not so! It was confirmed! WHEW!
It was SO hard to do but I did it. So I decided to film it for people’s enjoyment or horror. Believe me, it was horrible. ENJOY THE VIDEO!